I didn’t fail miserably…but I did fail.
The good news is that I did much better than I did in the pretest…the bad news is that I made two big mistakes: I royally messed up an easy procedure and secondly, I drove too closely behind another commercial vehicle – so it’s a “no” this time.
I have decided there isn’t going to be a next time. I’m not giving up – I’m surrendering. There’s a big difference in mindset. Despite my trainer telling me that I’m “going to be the best bus driver ever” and the tester tearing up because she didn’t want to fail me, I realize that my best isn’t cutting it. The demands of this job are too much for me. Perhaps if I wasn’t so stubborn, I would have resigned myself to this reality sooner. It seems that I often have to learn the hard way. The important thing is that I’ve learned.
There is something about bus driving that just doesn’t “jive” with me. I know all the procedures and techniques about driving a bus, but when I climb onto that bus driver’s chair and the rubber meets the road, (literally!), something is missing. I can’t seem to process all the details. The initial information overload in this training program has remained information overload after nine days of intense practise, one failed pretest, two extra practice days and a VERY patient trainer. If I am really honest with myself, nothing about this job has felt natural. It’s all been an enormous amount of work for me. I’ve been up for the challenge but truthfully, in the back of my mind, I have entertained some doubts about my ability to do this. I can’t relax. I’m thinking too hard. I’m so incredibly aware of all the responsibility….and I haven’t even had any children in the bus yet!
I know the things that I do well…and I have to “eat humble pie” today to admit that bus driving isn’t one of them. I don’t think I will ever feel comfortable driving this beast of a bus around town, with seventy-two children on board.
When I told my oldest daughter how I did on the test, she responded with these astute observations:
“Well, mom…you hate driving and you’re really bad with directions and you don’t handle a lot of distractions well when you’re driving…so I don’t think bus driving is the right job for you.” She is absolutely right.
When I told my husband that I failed the driving test today, his response was, “I’m strangely relieved.” Funny….so am I.
My son has challenged me about this decision to become a bus driver from the “get-go” and I’ve gotten frustrated with him. I apologize to you, Drew. I don’t agree with all of your points but you’re right – my personality and skill set is not suited for this job.
So, here I am – back to Square One. I’m still looking for a part time job to support my writing habit.
On the other hand, there is an absolutely magnificent sunset tonight – a majestic, vibrant orange layer of dusty cloud resting on a deep blue horizon. Life goes on. The sun rises and sets. God is good and all is well. He hasn’t changed and He is in control. He has created me with strengths and weaknesses and it is wise to acknowledge both.
I’m not going to be a bus driver and that’s OK. I’m moving on.
For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. Psalm 139: 13,14