I made a big decision. Well, It’s probably more accurate to say that this decision seems to have “made itself” over the past few months.
One of my favorite bible verses is Isaiah 55: 8
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.
Simple truth, isn’t it? This verse humbly puts me in my place. It causes me to take a good look at what I want and what I am willing to do to get what I want. It makes me understand my wrong ways. It teaches me to accept and embrace the limits of my own thinking and doing. It also quiets my soul because the longer I walk with God, the more I realize that His love-driven will for me can not be thwarted – that there is always enough time in a day to do His perfect will when I am in sync with Him. I find great comfort in slowly but surely internalizing this powerful truth about God’s depth and my shallowness…
..and if I may respectively add to and personalize the fore-mentioned verse, I would say, “His speed is not my speed and my speed is not His speed.”
Let me explain.
I move fast. I always have and these days, I am beginning to understand when and how it all started. I know there are some good things about multitasking, victoriously checking off do’-lists and accomplishing much in a day but I have also experienced the consequences of allowing myself to be swept away in the frantic speed of life and the expectations of others. The simple pleasures of my ordained number of days on this earth have often been completely missed.
I love how God can come at you from so many directions, orchestrating circumstances and confirming truth in a multitude of creative ways. Spending more time with God, being married to Chris, living on the water, taking a year off teaching, going on adventures with Isaiah, getting older and listening to my body more have caused me to take a really good look at what I value and whose approval I seek.
These days, I lie in bed for a few extra minutes and listen to the birds chirping in unison like a well conducted choir. I stand on the deck in my pajamas and smell the water. I put my writing down and watch Boo ( Danae’s cat) tackle a piece of balled-up paper like a prized mouse. I feel the soil between my fingers as I search for tiny fiddleheads peeping out of the dirt. I take baths. I stretch more and cycle less. I hang laundry outside. I create new soups and I pile wood. I laugh more when the house shakes as the heavy trains pass by. I listen to different kinds of music. I look at the stars more. I read more and plan less. Little things.
The older I get, the more I realize how little I know… but I DO know that I am not ever going back to the heart-palpitating speed of life that I have experienced in the past ten years.
Yesterday afternoon, Chris and I were tying down the dock. As I watched him slosh his way, waist deep, through the ice cold water in his chest waders, I said to him, “You’re so handsome.” His gorgeous smile confirmed it all. You have to slow down in order to “be all there” and capture the fleeting pleasures in each day.
So, whatever the future holds for me (and right now, that is a VERY big question) , I will be “slowin’ down… I move too fast….”