My pace is quick and my rhythm is productive. Not all bad but certainly not all good.
In fact, these days I’m learning that it’s more bad than good.
I have rushed around in daily life and at the end of the day, often fallen into bed exhausted. Until recently, I didn’t realize that this has been my way for most of my life.
Constant overload. Always planning my next step.
Efficient but often feeling what I now recognize as on-the-edge anxiety.
It’s taken an emotionally charged, unexpected and painful situation to push me off the edge. Not much margin and a big fall. Really unpleasant sensations in my body and mind. Fears and tears.
Confession. Lamenting. Crawling to Jesus.
Enter mindfulness – the ability to wake up, pay attention and become present to the moment. Less judgment. Kinder to myself.
Now I get it. I’m a slow learner.
Living in the present moment is really hard work for me but this past week as been so settling. There is a calm within.
I’m beginning to understand more of and accept this fallen part of me.
And can I express how thankful I am for this fall? Painful as it’s been, there has been such release and liberty.
Brokenness and blessing.
Jesus knows exactly what I need to experience His peace. He catches me when I fall and I have experienced ever so much deeper, His unrelenting love for me.
Mindfullness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fear it will always be this way (which it won’t). James Baraz